It Happened To Me
I Hate My Book
Hi friends,
This week, I have to review the First Pass Pages of my book, Write Through It: An Insider’s Guide to Publishing and the Creative Life, due out June 10th, 2025. These are fully designed pages, which means they’ve been typeset and all the little bells and whistles are there: fonts, headers, page numbers, the works. It’s very exciting! It looks like a real book, and I can’t wait to show it to you.
According to my count, I’ve read the whole book five times through this year, so this will be the sixth. It’s been edited twice by me and my editors, it’s been copyedited and designed, and now my job is to make sure everything is in the right place and catch little errors that might have crept in. I haven’t noticed anything major, which is normal. This, too, is my last chance to make changes, and those changes should be as small as possible. I’ve taken out a sentence or two. Added and taken out a “but” or “as I mentioned before” here and there. That’s it. The time of major editing is over. This is the book that’s going to be published. That you might read. I might get to see second pass pages, if necessary (I don’t think it’ll be necessary) and then it will be proofread one more time and then it’ll be locked. That version will go to the printer and that will be that!
I’m not freaked out about the part where I can’t make any more changes. I knew this was coming when I edited that last draft. As I said, it’s all very exciting! What I didn’t anticipate, though, was that I was going to feel like so many authors before me, that I was going to reach the same point I’ve heard so many writers reach.
I hate my book.
You guys. I hate every sentence! Reviewing this pass is like pulling teeth! I’m rolling my eyes at every section break, at every metaphor. I’m thinking what the hell am I even talking about here?????? I read a sentence three, four, five times and I’m like does this even make any sense? Why is this sentence here??? I’m actually shocked I got to this point. I thought being aware that it could happen to me would prevent it. But no! I’m no different than any other writer out there.
I am not, however, worried about this. I’ve seen it before and I knew it was a possibility, so once I realized what was happening, I could recognize it for what it was and move on. The most comforting thing—and yes there is something comforting about this—is that I hate it all uniformly. Every sentence. Equally. And that blanket hate tells me that I’m having a feeling about the process, not the actual words on the page. This is anxiety about it being really, really done. This is some fear about it going out into the world and being judged. Will people like it? Will the haters come out and be like she has no idea what she’s talking about? Have I made a mistake somewhere? Will the book be completely ignored? There’s already been a most anticipated book list for 2025 and I wasn’t on it. I don’t expect to be on those lists! This is not that kind of book! But still, I had feelings about it. And hating every sentence of my book at this point is just feelings. Nothing more.
I will get through it. I will finish this in a few days and I will not hate my book anymore. When the galleys arrive (which will not include these most recent changes and that’s ok!), I will love it again. I’ll feel pride and excitement and joy and happiness. A book. A real book. These bad feelings are just a detour on the way to the other good ones. They won’t last. I know this because I’ve seen it before, because I’ve counseled other people through them. But I’m not immune, and it’ll probably happen again, if I’m lucky.
If you’re going through some big feelings about your book, sit back and consider whether you’re having feelings about the process, your circumstances, where you are at this point in time, or the words themselves. It could be a little of both. Just remember that feelings are not facts. You aren’t, in truth, the worst writer in the whole world. These feelings will likely pass (and other feelings will take their place). You can feel them and let them go. That’s what I’m doing right now, saying hi feelings, I see you there. You can fuck off now. I have work to do. This tactic is moderately successful in keeping me from wallowing in the feelings. I hope the same for you.
XOXOXOXOX,
Kate
What a fantastic articulation of a feeling that cannot really be articulated. I’d consider it less a feeling than a condition, like being diagnosed with a temporary virus. Nothing of your own making, just happened, it’s going around! I suspect it’s the same scenario for all kinds of creative endeavors, a combination of anticlimax, repetition, and “ugh, I’m over it.” A year after the book comes out, you’ll read it again and think “wow, this is insightful and incredibly helpful, I should look up this author for other work . . oh wait omg I wrote this??!”
The hardest part with any creative output is that there’s no definitive and lasting judgement. No exact time is clocked, no distance firmly marked, no proof to stand the test of time or at least mark a turning point. A conference paper that was included in a publication first seemed like a nice, reasonably proud moment for me — after publication I wanted to research how to become invisible; I thought the paper was pretentious and rambling. A year later, it was thoughtful and so well written ‘for what it was’, [my own condescension]. A year after that, it was simply there, I had no reaction to it whatsoever. After I remodeled my kitchen, I was so happy! Airy and fresh and beautiful as opposed to dark, stale and hideous. Followed by months of “it is pathetic and ridiculous that I thought this was great, such delusions of adequacy.” Instead of comparisons within a real framework (without increasing square footage I solved all the stated problems in a pleasing manner) I could only see the comparisons to an abstract ideal (it’s still small, I don’t see the ocean, the wall color doesn’t automatically change every day to suit my whims). It’s not that our creative outputs don’t achieve a certain perfection, doing specifically what they set out to do within acknowledged frameworks — it’s that they can never STAY perfect.
Which is both mildly annoying and somewhat inspirational.
I'm having SO MANY OF THESE FEELINGS as I'm in the final revisions of mine!!! It's like the stages of grief ??