What a fantastic articulation of a feeling that cannot really be articulated. I’d consider it less a feeling than a condition, like being diagnosed with a temporary virus. Nothing of your own making, just happened, it’s going around! I suspect it’s the same scenario for all kinds of creative endeavors, a combination of anticlimax, repetition, and “ugh, I’m over it.” A year after the book comes out, you’ll read it again and think “wow, this is insightful and incredibly helpful, I should look up this author for other work . . oh wait omg I wrote this??!”
The hardest part with any creative output is that there’s no definitive and lasting judgement. No exact time is clocked, no distance firmly marked, no proof to stand the test of time or at least mark a turning point. A conference paper that was included in a publication first seemed like a nice, reasonably proud moment for me — after publication I wanted to research how to become invisible; I thought the paper was pretentious and rambling. A year later, it was thoughtful and so well written ‘for what it was’, [my own condescension]. A year after that, it was simply there, I had no reaction to it whatsoever. After I remodeled my kitchen, I was so happy! Airy and fresh and beautiful as opposed to dark, stale and hideous. Followed by months of “it is pathetic and ridiculous that I thought this was great, such delusions of adequacy.” Instead of comparisons within a real framework (without increasing square footage I solved all the stated problems in a pleasing manner) I could only see the comparisons to an abstract ideal (it’s still small, I don’t see the ocean, the wall color doesn’t automatically change every day to suit my whims). It’s not that our creative outputs don’t achieve a certain perfection, doing specifically what they set out to do within acknowledged frameworks — it’s that they can never STAY perfect.
Which is both mildly annoying and somewhat inspirational.
I’m late replying but if you see this comment, I think your analogy would make a great essay. Should you find time to write it (realizing it’s one of a 1000 things on a list) please give a heads up.
Double hug. And recall what Winston Churchill said about writing a book: “Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.
A relief. I'm having this experience while revising. Like, who wrote this? Really?? I guessed (hoped?) it might be Resistance in yet another sneaky disguise.
This makes me feel so much better! Stare at something long enough and I think, depending on what kind of person you are, you will either grow to hate it or be increasingly convinced of your singular genius. (I have been doing the former, but need to snap out of it.)
Thank you for sharing the “at an end” feelings. My book is recently published on Kindle and I found myself wondering at my hubris. What a self-sabotaging feeling and hopefully very short-lived! I’m glad that it’s more common than I knew.
I think the good thing is that it takes so long for the book to actually come out that by the time you have galleys, it's like, what smart person wrote this??? (at least in places?)
From a particular ugly stage in first draft hell, I really needed to hear this. Some of my feelings may not in fact be evidence that I should give up writing altogether.
What a fantastic articulation of a feeling that cannot really be articulated. I’d consider it less a feeling than a condition, like being diagnosed with a temporary virus. Nothing of your own making, just happened, it’s going around! I suspect it’s the same scenario for all kinds of creative endeavors, a combination of anticlimax, repetition, and “ugh, I’m over it.” A year after the book comes out, you’ll read it again and think “wow, this is insightful and incredibly helpful, I should look up this author for other work . . oh wait omg I wrote this??!”
The hardest part with any creative output is that there’s no definitive and lasting judgement. No exact time is clocked, no distance firmly marked, no proof to stand the test of time or at least mark a turning point. A conference paper that was included in a publication first seemed like a nice, reasonably proud moment for me — after publication I wanted to research how to become invisible; I thought the paper was pretentious and rambling. A year later, it was thoughtful and so well written ‘for what it was’, [my own condescension]. A year after that, it was simply there, I had no reaction to it whatsoever. After I remodeled my kitchen, I was so happy! Airy and fresh and beautiful as opposed to dark, stale and hideous. Followed by months of “it is pathetic and ridiculous that I thought this was great, such delusions of adequacy.” Instead of comparisons within a real framework (without increasing square footage I solved all the stated problems in a pleasing manner) I could only see the comparisons to an abstract ideal (it’s still small, I don’t see the ocean, the wall color doesn’t automatically change every day to suit my whims). It’s not that our creative outputs don’t achieve a certain perfection, doing specifically what they set out to do within acknowledged frameworks — it’s that they can never STAY perfect.
Which is both mildly annoying and somewhat inspirational.
I'm having SO MANY OF THESE FEELINGS as I'm in the final revisions of mine!!! It's like the stages of grief ??
My feeling every single time a piece of writing of mine is published. It's like the five stages of grief. Fortunately, I (usually) come around!
I’m late replying but if you see this comment, I think your analogy would make a great essay. Should you find time to write it (realizing it’s one of a 1000 things on a list) please give a heads up.
Thanks for making me laugh out loud! And making me want to read your book!
Kate, I really needed to hear this today! Thank you for sharing!
Double hug. And recall what Winston Churchill said about writing a book: “Writing a book is an adventure. To begin with it is a toy and an amusement. Then it becomes a mistress, then it becomes a master, then it becomes a tyrant. The last phase is that just as you are about to be reconciled to your servitude, you kill the monster and fling him to the public.
Winston Churchill
Feelings are not facts. Thanks for this line. And the reminder to feel your feelings then let them go.
A relief. I'm having this experience while revising. Like, who wrote this? Really?? I guessed (hoped?) it might be Resistance in yet another sneaky disguise.
No, Kate, no!! xoxoxoxo
And don’t worry - Counselor Troi feels your pain with you. She is there for you!
What a great concept to know about. I had no idea. If your book is anything like your posts then I'm going to love it.
This makes me feel so much better! Stare at something long enough and I think, depending on what kind of person you are, you will either grow to hate it or be increasingly convinced of your singular genius. (I have been doing the former, but need to snap out of it.)
Thank you for sharing the “at an end” feelings. My book is recently published on Kindle and I found myself wondering at my hubris. What a self-sabotaging feeling and hopefully very short-lived! I’m glad that it’s more common than I knew.
I think the good thing is that it takes so long for the book to actually come out that by the time you have galleys, it's like, what smart person wrote this??? (at least in places?)
From a particular ugly stage in first draft hell, I really needed to hear this. Some of my feelings may not in fact be evidence that I should give up writing altogether.
Hugs! I know that feeling and I'm glad you've got a such a good perspective on it. How exciting for you to be at this stage, it's really real now!
I get it. I've been working on an MG since 2019 and am still revising it.