You're Probably Going to Annoy an Agent at Some Point

And it absolutely does not matter

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Hey friends,

I love answering questions about publishing and writing. That’s basically why I’m here! Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of questions boil down to is it going to bother an agent if I do this thing? I get that authors are doing their very best to give their books the very best chance at getting read and represented. On one hand, it’s a wonderful way to make sure your query and manuscript adhere to all or most of the conventions of submitting things to agents, and I know there is no master list of all those things you can use to check things off. (Oh shit, should I run to Canva make a query checklist?) We don’t know what we don’t know, and so, we ask. I’m seeing things like is it ok to put X in the subject line? Is it ok if I feel like my book could be a series? Is it ok that my best comp is from six, not five, years ago? Is it ok that I’ve written/published/not published/self-published other things? I could go on. We’ve talked a lot about what is ok and not ok to do in query letters and submissions and novels and book proposals over the years at Agents & Books. Many of you know that the answer is often ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

And I know you hate that answer! I know you want me to say yes, this exact configuration of pixels and words will guarantee you will an agent and book deal. Of course I cannot do that (and you know that, too). The risk, you think, is that you will do something “wrong” and the agent will stop reading in a fit of pique and if you had just not done that thing, they would be your agent already. Deep down, you know it doesn’t work that way either, but I get that you’re scared it will for you.

Roughly this time last year, I was thinking this same thing and wrote a list of things that make me automatically reject your work. (I guess I’m in a list-y mood on the cusp of Spring). And really, that’s a useful list! But what I don’t cover there is that you might do something completely different that irks an agent AND IT DOES NOT MATTER AT ALL. I promise, it really, really doesn’t matter. You can write the same query letter and it’ll bother three agents and literally none of the others. I know you don’t want to bother even those three agents, but it is inevitable and completely out of your hands. You cannot predict what will annoy dozens and dozens of individual humans on this singular planet and that is ok. That you scan your query for obvious things that might bother someone (sloppy typos, lies, bullshit reasoning, complete avoidance of telling me about the book) is like 95% of the job. You will have no idea if an agent is bothered by the phrase “can’t help but.” You will have no idea that an agent dislikes talking animal books. You will have no idea if the comps you provide are that agent’s least favorite books in the world.

AGAIN, THIS IS OK. You cannot and will not please everyone! The person who rejects your work for a reason like this is not the right agent for you! Even if an agent passes on your work for what you would consider a dumb reason, but one said agent feels strongly about, that agent is not your agent! This is why you query a good number of agents. This is why you do your homework, as much as you can, knowing you won’t get anything perfect. This is why you try your best leave the rest up to the agent. We know when to look past meaningless things that irk us when a book is good. We know when something is just our personal taste and when the rest of the world doesn’t care about it. And we know when those things would get in the way of selling a book and when they won’t. I personally am very, very allergic to all animals, don’t really want any pets of my own (see previous), and prefer only limited contact with my friends’ amazing pets. But that hasn’t stopped me from representing A LOT of dog and cat books.

My pet allergy is a pretty benign aversion and it’s pretty easy to like books full of cute cats and dogs. If I had something more pressing or severe, like if I was triggered by books about kidnapping, or rape, or alcoholism,¹ then, well, there’s nothing you can do about that if you don’t know it and you don’t actually need to know to send me a query. I can protect myself when reading queries and novels (and luckily I don’t really deal with this much both because most people are kind and professional and I don’t have a lot of triggers), and you do not have to protect me for me. Thank you for worrying about it, but I give you permission not to worry about it beyond the levels of basic human decency.

You cannot optimize your query for every single agent out there. You can optimize your query for a general number of agents by doing a little homework about genres and submissions. Beyond that, writing a clean, clear, and interesting query and book is enough. Agents are just humans reading books, and we can feel anyway we want about them, for better or worse. You are just a human writing a book, and you can feel anyway you want about agents and books (and Agents & Books), for better or worse. Write your query like you are writing a professional letter to another professional, and I bet you will only piss off a statistically average number of agents. Try not to stress over the small things. Just tell me about your book.

OXOXOXOXOX,

Kate

1. For the record I am not. These are just examples.